The Beginning

Well I started online dating because being a single parent, holding down a Full Time job, Working Out, Housework, Playing with the girls, and yada, yada, yada.... I had NO OTHER CHOICE!!
To tell you the truth I really hate it. I didn't want to do it. But I am my ONLY BULLY! Nobody can make me do anything that I dont want to. Not even my mom! She will back me up on this one.
First experience that I had with the "On Line" thing was by pure accident.
I have a Facebook like everyone and their dog! Im not Joking! I have seen this.
I ran into an old lil flame I had as a middle school ugly girl.
This guy had not changed a bit when it came to my admiration.
Well.... okay he was like the EXACT fantasy Bad Boy with a good heart fantasy I had invented in my mind.
He was 6' tall, 210lbs of pure Ranger (ARMY) Soldier, Green Eyes, I can go on and on and on...
I am 5'2". Slim Petite Golden Tan, HUGE Brown Eyes, Jet Black Long Hair.
Needless to say... we were each others fantasy. Well.... now after 10yrs.
I think to be honest I was the one who searched for him.
I just always remembered him as my secret crush. Nobody, not even my best friend knew about this.
So I sent him a friend request and within a few days he added me.  We will call him Jayden.
Jayden was kind enough to write me a message.
He just said hi and that he remembered who I was and I quote "WOW!! I cant believe how much you have changed! You look GREAT!"
I was both excited and traumatized. I wasnt the best looking girl growing up. And he agreed.
I had my location set to Los Angeles, CA to throw some haters off.
So of course he asked about that. He asked if I was married because he did notice that I had 2 beautiful girls but no sign of a husband.
eeek! What did that mean? Was he interested in me? or Was he just being nosy?
Either way this FINE ASS SOLDIER (oh btw... anyone that knows me KNOWS who I admire ARMY Soldiers and Marines) was talking to me AND the fact that he was my Platonic Crush growing up and that didnt hurt at all!
I responded as maturely as possible even deep down I was that 12yr girl with buckteeth, skinny, limby and Bug Eyed Screaming like a Justin Beiber Fan.
" Oh! Hey there! It has been a long time. No I dont live in L.A. I switched the location to throw my ex off in finding my FB. So I am a single mom. And yuup I live in Logan now."
Anyway convo was just vanilla back and forth until...... I posted a picture of me sitting on the hood of my Dodge Charger 24" Chrome Wheels. I was sporting a tiny little flirty summer dress with baby doll white platform shoes.
The next morning when I checked my FB. He had sent me a message. I got excited as usual but I was unprepared for the inner bad boy this gentleman had locked up.
He wrote: "DAMN!!!! Mamacita! I saw this photo and it took my breath away... I hope I dont offend you by what Im about to tell you.. but you know what I thought? I would LOOOOVE to wrap those legs around my neck! SHIT! I know you probably are going to think Im a creep but you cant be posting photos like that for me to have access to. Im a Soldier fighting a war and you are my ideal fantasy all the way home."
I dropped my mouth wide open and read it over and over and over again I dont know how many times. I kept smiling and laughing and smiling and laughing.
My co-workers thought that I was crazy. I hadnt smiled in yrs.
So thats how my first online dating story began.
As time went on and on we sent each other pictures. I kept it clean because I am FULLY aware of what can happen.
But I did send him pics in my underwear. I was in LOVE ok!
Well we talked for about 5mo and he was due to take a  week leave in January. He couldnt tell me exactly when but he did trust me with telling me it was any day. Nobody knew! Not even his mother.
Well when he got to Utah I left him alone because I understood that his family came first.
I said I UNDERSTOOD! It was hard. I wanted to be in his arms and do the things we told each other we would do.
But I survived. And so on Saturday a week had passed so I updated my status that I was hitting the city!
He now lived in SLC so I knew he was going to jump at the opportunity.
He did! He sent me a message and said to meet him at a Hiphop Club.
I got there and time went by and by and a few hours into it I gave up. I had been stood up.
I was so sad and angry and by now DRUNK as a mofo!
I got there with my friend and her man. He took a guy with us. I was NOT there with him.
But.... when your drunk, heartbroken, embarrassed, this guy didnt look so bad.
So I did what I would NEVER phantom doing! I got mad and started dancing with this guy.
At one point this girl came to get us and informed us that out friends had been kicked out.
So here I am holding this guys hand for support! Im trashed I cant walk let alone talk or see.
As we head towards the door this huge guy stands right in my way.
I look up and I try to focus my eyes on him because hes not moving. He is starring me down and he asks "Are you okay?" I look at him.... and Im wondering WTF? Just get out of my way.
He then repeats himself and he says "Jandy! Are you okay?"
W.....T....F!!! I focus and its Jayden!!!
Here I am holding this guys hand and he now starts telling Jayden to mind his own buisness...... to be continues

Ready to look for him but afraid if I find him.

So Im not sure how this blogging is done. lol kinds sorta like dating.
But here I go.
So I find myself sorta lost at this whole thing. I was married for nearly 8 yrs straight out of HS. Yuuup following my good ol Utah roots. I had 2 girls right away.
I remember when I met my husband I just knew this was the guy I was going to spend my whole life with. I knew that within seconds.
I was working a swing shift as a production worker. Its was around 2am on a Saturday when a co-worker and I decided to go get an Horchata at a 24hr Fast Mexican Food Joint.
We had totally forgotten that around this time is when all the hispanics roll in after the Dance.
Here we are looking gross. My hair in a bun and I was around 160lbs at 5'2. Im small frame normally but I had  completely lost my work out motivation for a while.
I told my friend to hurry up. All the hispanic girls start coming in in their Club Outfit Best Look. I wanted to die!
As I get up to in force an exit. Here comes the most handsome guy I had ever seen. The weird part is I was never into Mexican's. Coming from Salvadorian Parents it was integrated in my head that they were good for nothing.
But what can you do when your heart skips a beat? He was fit, Dark Olive Skin, Honey Colored HUGE Eyes with Long Lashes that most girls would die for!
I looked at him and there he was smiling at me. He said his name was Jose and asked if he could sit by me.
I immediately sat down and looked down on my phone as an escape for the embarrassment of my appearance.
He then said "Oh look! we got the same phone" so after that we just talked for about an hour.  He asked where we worked and I told him. His dad happened to be the old guy that would piss me off cuz he wasnt fast enough.
So anyways long story short we exchanged numbers.
I couldnt believe that a guy as good looking as him was talking to a short chunky nasty smelly girl just off work. When there he got with what I thought at the time the best looking skinny beautiful girls.
We talked everyday but he only saw me as a friend. So this to me was a challenge.
See I know that when I drop the weight to what I normally am I can break necks and stop traffic in 2.5sec.
So I refused to see him for 2mo while I busted my ass at a local gym for 4hrs 6 times a week.
I went on a strict diet and lost 40lbs!! Yes I did!!
Everyone thought that I was on drugs. I kinda was.... I was on a mission. I was addicted to the fact that I knew I could get this guy and I was hella better looking than any of those skanks! lol Yes now they were skanks cuz I looked FLY!
So I dyed my hair from the blonde to Black. I tanned, went from a size 13 to a 5. So the transformation was enormous. I didnt look the same to anyone.
On one weekend he called and told me that he was going to go to the dance. So I said oh me too!
We agreed to say hi when we saw each other. (yeah hi! cuz he didnt want me to cock block his ass).
I got there first. a while later he called me and said that he was in. So I told him that I was on the dance floor. The room was not packed yet so between the crowd I saw him. We were still on the phone and I walked towards him. He saw me as he walked passed me. I turned around and I said "Hello? you just passed me!" He turned around slow looked at me and said "where?" I responded "Right here I dyed my hair black" He then dropped his phone, picked it up with his mouth wide open and started blowing me kisses.
HA! I got this.
He came up and we danced all night.
From that day on we were the BEST FRIENDS we ever were but he made it official. He didnt want nobody trying to claim me.
We moved in together and everything was perfect. I mean we argued from time to time but  we were the envy of all couples.
That lasted for about 4-5yrs.....
Anyway... Ill get into how it went from the fairytale to HELL ON EARTH later.
FFWD to now!
I am 28yrs old I got 2 girls. I was forced to walk away with the clothes on my back and literally homeless with my girls for a month. I lived in a Battered Women Shelter.
I got my own place in 30 days and I have been on my own ever since.
Took a whole 2yrs to indulge in the MAN HATING BITCH from hell attitude.
Times were very hard. They still are but not like then.
He refused to give me child support and I didnt make him because I was afraid of him.
He went crazy trying to get me back. Anyways he ended up in jail for one jealous incident. He was locked up for 6mo.
This was good for me because it gave me the chance to iron most of the psychological issues out. During this time I was able to stand up and get ready to never go back again.
So yr after that I put my girls and I in counseling.
Now here I am. I think that I am ready to start dating.
Problem is.... I have set my standards so that I dont find a mate. But Im lonely. lol
Yes I am Damaged Goods.